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Misunderstandings

Conversation between George W. and his National Security Advisor, Condolezza Rice

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

 

Balloon Ride

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

RECRUITING

One day, while walking down the street, a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and killed. Her soul arrived up in Heaven, where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem-just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven, and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules," said St. Peter, and with that, he put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club, and standing in front of her were all of her friends-fellow executives with whom she had worked. They were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf, and that night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was actually a really nice guy (and kinda cute). She had a great time telling jokes and dancing. In fact, she was having such a good time, that before she knew it, it was time to leave.

Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back at the Pearly Gates, where she found

St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time, and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up. St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second, and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down, back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened, she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all of my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."

Heaven & Hell

According to research carried out by the CIA

Heaven is a place where:

The police are English,
The mechanics are German, 
The cooks are Spaniards, 
The lovers are Italian, 
Everything is organised by the Swiss.

Hell is a place where:

The police are German, 
The mechanics are Spaniards, 
The cooks are English, 
The lovers are Swiss, 
Everything is organised by the Italians.

Existential Doubts

  • Why black plums are red coloured when they are still green? ·
  • If a freezer freezes at -30ºC maximum, and if a very cold winter in Antarctica the temperature gets to -30ºC: Can people get warm going into the freezer in that place?
  • Would it be a perfect business to grow up anteaters and ants, feeding the anteaters on the ants and the ants on the anteaters which dye by natural death? ·
  • Is it right that Santa Claus' wife is Mery Christmas? ·
  • If fathers know much more than their children, why is Albert Einstein so famous and nobody knows nothing about his father? ·
  • How many birds in hand correspond to 450 flying? ·
  • If work is so healthy, why sick people are not made to work? ·
  • To whom do the policemen ask when they get lost? ·
  • Which is another word for Synonym? ·
  • If cats enjoy so much eating mice, why there is no food for cats with mouse flavour? ·
  • What should you do when you see an animal in extinction eating a plant in extinction? · If horses suffer from equine pest and pigs from swine fever, why do people suffer from pathological diseases? ·
  • Why can Donald duck have nephews if he has neither brothers nor sisters? ·
  • Why does Bill Clinton have so bad taste with women? ·
  • Why is abbreviation a so long word? ·
  • If a policeman arrests a mime, should he tell him that he has a right to keep silent? ·
  • "Adam and Eve", did they have navels? ·

(Spanish version)

Responsibilty for validation

Once upon a time, there were four people named Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.

When there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody’s job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realised that Nobody would do it.

So it ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place. 

(Graphic version  by Salvador. 240 Kbytes)